Or maybe, instead, you need statements that counteract your triggers. If you have a hunch your dad will echo a comment from the past that has scarred you (like “you’re too sensitive,” for example), tell yourself: “I can not change my dad, or what he says, and that’s okay.” Or if you have a hard time being around your family five days in a row, write out a line that says: “This is my vacation as well and it’s okay to take a moment alone,” Lucas recommends.
These supportive mini-mantras can help interrupt your typical patterns (like storming off, perhaps, or telling your dad to go to hell); they redirect your mind so you can see what’s happening from a calmer, more rational POV, Lucas explains. Self-affirmations, research shows, can also reduce stress and prevent you from getting defensive or ruminating. “So, if and when something gets kicked up and you’re going back to somewhere you don’t want to be emotionally, pull up your phone and look at that reminder right in front of you,” she says.
(Quick tip: Write these notes when you’re relaxed and centered. It can be tough to think logically when you’re emotional. Plus, it’ll be easier to believe the statements you prepped for yourself because you’ll know that you already analyzed this exact situation when you were feeling more sensible—as opposed to scribbling something offhand like “my dad’s an a-hole!!” when you’re upset.)
Get curious about why your relative is behaving like that.
If you’re out to dinner with the whole crew and your grandmother, as sweet as she is, shares a seemingly outdated political opinion, ask questions to better understand her perspective instead of barking at her about how she’s wrong or out of touch. You could say: “What do you mean?” or “Why do you think that’s the case?” or “Can you help me better understand your perspective here?” You might assume she’s being shortsighted, but maybe she had a personal experience you don’t know about that shaped her perspective. If you don’t ask, Lurie says, you won’t see where she’s coming from.
We all want to be understood, she explains. By showing your grandmother that you’re trying to understand her, rather than criticize her, you’ll foster more compassion—and be less likely to blow up at her (and vice versa). So, if and when someone says something you disagree with, try to take a curious approach instead of immediately reprimanding or correcting them.
Research shows that listening to other people and allowing them to feel heard promotes trust and forgiveness, which can help you avoid conflict (and isn’t that what a family vacation is all about?). Plus, you might learn something about your relatives that makes you feel more understanding of and empathic toward them and their actions—“people can surprise you,” Lurie says.
Nail down some self-soothing strategies.
Last but definitely not least: Identify a few relaxation techniques that you can use whenever you start to get upset. If there’s ever a time to get into deep breathing, it is when you’re staying overnight at your brother’s overcrowded house or on a trip to the remote Colorado mountains with your mom and dad (and not just because you need the extra oxygen). Sometimes, the stress is unavoidable: Your three-year-old niece might scream for two hours straight or your sister-in-law might say something passive-aggressive about your parenting style. You want a reliable way to calm yourself when the vibe gets tense.
